The Best-Labeled House on the Planet

I’m going out on a limb here, I realize, but I just can’t imagine another house on the planet Earth that is quite as well catalogued as this one.

I mentioned back here that our trip to Sunriver, Oregon, provided some good fodder for a post.  Here we are!  The pre-story is this: we rented a privately-owned house with another family.  It was a very nice house, but I think somebody’s P-Touch labeler exploded in there.  Everything was labeled either descriptively or proscriptively.  Pretty much every cabinet had a label that read “soup bowls here” or “do NOT put soup bowls in this cabinet!”

Lest you disbelieve, friends, I took photos.  First, the descriptions:

In case you are unfamiliar with this kind of dimmer, or if you are incapable of turning on a switch to discover its purpose, these organizational wizards have taken the liberty of identifying everything for you.  Keep in mind, EVERY switch that had a dimmer on it had one of these labels.

Yes, you are reading that right.  Not only did every shelf in the cabinets have a label for what belonged on it, they all had numbers to tell you how many pieces you might expect to find there.  And indeed, we were SET for all our meals because we had dipping bowls and a gravy boat.

Sometimes you get descriptive warnings, like this one.  They even figured out how to put a little arrow on their label.

Then, you got the proscriptive signs.

Not only did every cabinet have one of these signs admonishing you to keep the serveware out, almost every shelf had one.  Notice the two here.

I was beginning to think these people were kind of particular about how you treated their home.

No! Brillo! Type! Paaaaaads!  EEEEEEEVER!

Also, do not catch yourself on fire in this house; they will be so disappointed in you.

More arrows.  And more instructions!  I was getting kind of weary of the constant monitoring.

Lord help you if you use any Easy-Off on this appliance.

You can see how I was starting to get giddy with all the crazy labeling.  What next?

The toilet.

There are so many puzzling aspects to this sign.  First, it’s like they’re trying to be nice, with the please and all, but it’s kind of like when you are just beyond exasperated with your kids for not listening, and you’re like, “Puh-LEEZ, PLEASE put your dirty underwear in the laundry hamper!”  These people are so tired of having to tell you how to use a house.  Would you just PLEASE listen to them?  I can feel their resentment coming right through the P-Touch.

Also, though, what is this with the “flush often during every visit”?  During every visit you make to the house? Or, as I suspect, during every visit to the toilet?  (Don’t get me started on “visiting” the toilet– “yo, yo, toilet, what up?  How you doin’?”)  What kind of advice is this, Sunriver, Oregon?  According to Forbes, you are supposed to be the second greenest state in the U.S., and now you’re telling me to flush multiple times for one episode on the pot?  Sheesh!  Somebody call The Sierra Club.  Or Forbes.

It reached a point for this family, though, where the P-Touch just wasn’t enough.  They needed more text; instead of tweets they wanted to write blog posts.  So they did a very clever thing, and they disguised their micromanagement as art.

You are not fooling me, Sunriver people.  I know this isn’t art or family photos.  Just because you framed it doesn’t make me feel any less infantalized.

The pinnacle of the labeling fiasco came when we wanted to check out the deck spa.  Prepare yourself, people.  THIS IS NO ORDINARY SPA.

Are you getting all of this?  In case you aren’t, they will fine your ass if you so much as TOUCH those white round thingys.  This is the scariest spa I’ve ever encountered.

So, like, crazy, right?  It least it was funny.  I do have to say, though, we usually didn’t need to look very far for anything.

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