Some Notes on Hair Styles

Well, kids’ hair styles, to be specific.

I was at the kid salon the other day, getting haircuts for the boys.  When I go there, they always ask me what I want, and I usually say, “You know, just a… boy’s haircut.”  Which, thankfully, they understand, and more often than not, it turns out fine.

This time as I sat there waiting for the trimming to be completed, I noticed that they had one of those hairstyle books– it was actually a binder with page protectors that contained torn out photos of kids and families, presumably as suggestions for fabulous styles.  So, keep in mind, someone went to the trouble to tear out ALL these photos because they thought they’d be perfect for the clientele.

I do remember these books from back in the day, when I was a kid getting my hair cut.  Back then, which was the 80s for those of you keeping track, there were a lot of these kinds of photos:

You know this aesthetic, right?  And they were always these crazy, sculptural, geometric styles that very few people would ever actually wear.

Funny, not much has changed in the world of salon hairstyle books.  You will not believe what I found in this thing.  It was enough to make me whip out my iPhone and snap away.  Which I did.

First, we’ve got this very happy family:

Do you think they’re yucking it up over this kid’s haircut?  Because as far as I can tell, it’s bad.  Oh, and I think it might be about thirty years out of style.  But the jean vest kind of gives that away.

Then we have these playful little dudes.

Wow, they are straight out of Stand By Me, don’t you think?  With their mischievous roughhousing and the rotting wooden fence and all.  BUT, my friends, and here is the question: would you want your kid sporting any one of those haircuts?  By the by, what’s up with Classic Man?  Is he joining in the fun, or frowning at the antics of his nominal buds?

This one I like to call The Mullet Boy.

Did anyone ever dress their kid with a bandana around the neck?  Like, ever?  Even in the seventies?  A classic mullet style, though, so if you’re looking to get your boy (or girl!) one, have at it.  By the way, I will admit, I sported a mullet when I was in middle school, and it was hot.

This hairstyle is right out of someone’s imagination, apparently.  It’s so fantastical they couldn’t get a shot of it in real life; they had to draw it.

I like how they give multiple views, though.  The back is particularly interesting.  I’m kind of not sure what’s going on in the middle, in spite of the diagrammatic illustrations.  If anyone has managed to capture this elusive hairstyle IRL, please send a photo to these hairstyle book people.  They won’t believe it.

This blog supports and upholds Title IX, so I would be remiss if I omitted the girl photos.  And they are so… precious.

There’s so much going on here.  First, the big photo is straight out of the Toddlers and Tiaras repertoire.  This baby can’t be more than three, right?  And she’s sporting a Jaclyn Smith ‘do, a silk blouse and pearls.  Folks, I submit, this is where our country took a wrong turn.  Did this happen during the nineteenth century?  The Depression?  I think not.  A pox on you, modern America.

Now, the little girl on the bottom left looks like she needs a moment alone in the potty.  But I must, must draw your attention to Tropical Sunsations.  In fact, I’m gonna have to do a Tropical Sunsations-HANCE:

Oh for the love.  Remember when we cut bangs like that, about one inch long?  This girl’s expression frightens me.  It’s like she’s the 80s version of The Bad Seed.

But of all the questions I have about this photo, the most important is this: WHAT, exactly, is tropical about this style?  She’s wearing a BEAR on her head, for Pete’s sake.  Do bears live in the tropics?  I’m pretty sure they don’t.  Wikipedia tells me they live mostly in the northern hemisphere.  So I’m stumped.  I have to point out that, as far as I can tell, this girl’s hair is a MESS.

Now, I give you: The Mannequin Collage.

Again, my first reaction here is: creepy.  There’s so much internal conflict here.  It’s in a kids’ hairstyle book, and the mannequin faces look young, but the clothes and the hair seem right out of Meredith Baxter Burney’s closet.

I’m running out of good things to say, here, but this page screams Pretty in Pink to me.

Finally, this one is my absolute favorite.

Does it get any better than this?  ZOMG, there are no words.  Or, at least, I have no words.

Which is why I’m opening it up to you, my peeps.  Give me your best caption suggestion in the comments.  My favorite will win a prize!  Prize?  A set of four cards from the block printing challenge.  Make sure you leave your email so I can contact you if you win!!!

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